Inner Radiance Journey

Peaceful Duo class this Saturday

Come join our Peaceful Duo class this Saturday from 4:15-5:30pm!

Jeff and I are much excited to teach a class together. Our idea is to gear it towards couples, and focus on a sharing of stories rather than a focus on asana. There will be movement, but we hope to grow it out of the stories.

We would love to create a community around this - it will be offered the first and third Saturdays so it won't be a huge time commitment. At some later point we would like to add the sharing of a meal around this class also. But first we build the community :)

The location of the class will be at Karma Yoga Center (290 S. Franklin St. Denver, Co 80209). Here is the official description on the schedule (https://clients.mindbodyonline.com/asp/home.asp?studioid=10928).

Take an afternoon sharing your stories and expressing them through movement such as stretching and lengthening poses, partner work, and meditation. Peaceful Duo is open to everyone, but geared toward couples looking to develop a yoga practice together. Co taught by partners who constantly challenge the practices of yoga and seek to guide you through their experiences of connection.

Falling in Love with India, cont.

The next opening came in Japan, which we visited shortly after Mangalore.  We had an opportunity to live in a new communal situation with a friend Jeff had made at the Sivananda Ashram, Miyuki-san, a Nihon-gene (native Japanese) with a big open heart. When she heard of our intended visit to Tokyo, she offered up her space to stay in, warning us that it was small and we may be uncomfortable, but were most welcome to share with her.

And a small space it was! True to Japanese style apartments, there was a small kitchen, bathroom, and living area which served as dining room, living room, office, and bedroom. We were as cozy as three bugs in a rug.

I expected to be a bit uncomfortable. Our bags were kept closed and upright in the kitchen area. There wasn't a lot of privacy during morning ablutions. We often were stepping over the other.

What I didn't expect was the ease and flow. We were given keys to the apartment and came and went as we wished (public transportation being quite easy in Tokyo). Meals were made and shared by whoever was inspired. There were no obligations or guilt trips or constant comments about the space. I remember a time I came home to find Miyuki and Jeff absorbed in computer-work. I pulled up a big pillow and snuggled in a corner and took a blissful nap. When I awakened and moved towards the center, Jeff took the pillow and took his nap. Contentment prevailed.

So communal living could be different than what I had known - I could maintain independence and a sense of self. I didn't have to only be on my best behavior - very polite, alert, respectful, and deferential.  I could still do this, but as well just be me! Moods were okay - a bit of tiredness allowed - spirited honest discussions encouraged. In this way of true living, I was able to learn about Miyuki in a way that wouldn't have happened during simple 'visits' or dinners. And feel a deeper connection to my partner.

This experience flowed into other situations, with ongoing discoveries about self and dynamics and community. The ability to put this into words will be revealed as time progresses. However, to tie this story together, I’ll end with saying that by the time we ended our journey in New Delhi, I did have the tools to be with my extended family in an authentic way. It was true, they weren’t so conservative! Not only had my Mummy and Papa accepted Jeff into my life, my larger family was also putting full effort forth. They were more hip and modern than I had allowed space for.

And living with my parents and brother and Jeff in an apartment outside Delhi during this visit proved to be a mature and fluid experience. We spoke up when we needed some space or an early night, or when things weren’t quite working. I can still feel the warmth when I think about this time period. My brother and I refer to this period as "Bajaj Love" and still miss it being back.

With the daily living aspect of Delhi under control (and not clouding everything), I could explore other parts of my heritage. My identity. Why I was so drawn to my country of birth. That my relationship to India was bigger than the dynamics of my relations. I came to some sort of peace with this. The bitterness I had harbored after our first three months (May to July end) had dissolved, and the space was filled with love and some sense of belonging and hope. India is real, I am real, and our relationship is off to a fresh start.

 

Falling in Love with India

Falling in love with India began by following in love with communal living.

I am no stranger to communal living situations – though in the past they were sources of stress rather than pleasure. We visited the motherland [New Delhi] often growing up – 1979, 1982, 1986, 1992, 1998, and 2001. During these visits we would stay with our family members – with many of them living in joint families. Joint families can be large or small, depending how many sons are in the family. In ours, there were at most 10 people or so living in the same house. Add the five of us from abroad, and that is one big party!

I learned a lot about family dynamics when co-existing so closely for 2 month summer breaks – yet never felt in my element. Being an American, with closed doors and privacy and moods, it was jarring to have constant two-centsing (people giving their two cents for all decisions, movements, intentions etc). Often suffocated within a few days – our trip would end with lingering bitterness about the lack of independence "kids" have in India.

This is not an uncommon experience for other Indian-born America-living peers. Yet! I really wanted this to be different in this journey. Hadn’t I changed/grown-up since 2001? Didn’t I have new tools in my pocket to spend time with extended family without being in a constant state of irritation?

Initially not so. While in Goa, I made a rushed trip to Delhi to attend the funeral of my papa’s older brother. I didn’t have much time to mentally prepare so felt quite nervous. Once I got there I stayed with one of my aunties, a household of three women – it seemed like a nice way to ease in. The first day was okay, attending the funeral was top of mind. By the second day however the guilt trips has started – and the questions and the expectations. I felt paralyzed and transported back in time; if I had any new tools I couldn’t pull them out. The short visit ended with familiar feelings of disappointment and discontent.

In fairness, and in hindsight, I had gone under false pretences to Delhi. I was traveling with a boyfriend, and had neglected to mention him, or the overall intentions of my trip, which was more than becoming an advanced yogini. I was still trying to maintain face so they would accept me and realize that Indians living in America weren’t so bad. Was it possible to break this and just be me, even to these most conservative of people?

The journey taught me that this was not only possible, but essential.

It started in Mangalore – a cozy rainy town on the western coast of Karnataka. One of my cousins lived there with her husband – delightedly they opened their flat to us. They were living examples of the Indian hospitality belief ‘Atithi Devo Bhavah’ – Guest is God. We were treated well – comfortable beds, washer and dryer (!) in the apartment, amazing home cooked food. We had some open hearted and frank conversations with both – my cousin in particular bravely poked holes in my Bajaj family theories. No! Not everyone in Delhi was conservative, wanted me to act a certain way, and would be judgmental about my choice to travel with my boyfriend! Really, time hadn’t stood still in Delhi after we left in 1975. Kids were dating and choosing their own mates, kids were dating and marrying non-Indians, kids were even getting divorced. My cousin slowly opened me up, and then took the additional step of talking to her grandmother about Jeff and I, a big step since her grandmother also happened to be the family patriarch. The road had been paved, I just had to stay on it.

Here is a picture of my cousin and her husband, taken at a beach on the coast.

Responsibility

Things are easing up a bit. I am finding new space in my practice to flow with the new life situation - steady early morning meditation, not making up stories or dwelling in negativity, keeping physically moving with yoga classes and walks.

And experimentation! Trying new venues around town as to not get stuck. To this end, Jeff and I tried out a community dance event last Thursday - Rhythm Sanctuary. This group has been getting together for 10 years. The idea is to release your inner child to movement, come together with like-minded people, and ultimately find healing through the experience.

The setting was a large open hardwood floor space - with elaborate decorations that took 2-3 hours to setup - including an altar that was created by a volunteer. At 7:30pm the event started with everyone standing in a large circle holding hands - intentions were set - and then everyone was free to groove to the very eclectic and fun live music. At the end, everyone gathered in circle formation again - shared thoughts, and then a feast of potluck food began a circular transit among the 70 or so participants. Lovely.

We shared this with one of our favorite yoga teachers - whom we caught up with at the end and shared tidbits of insight.

One of her first questions was around our next plans - which we don't have solid ideas around. "You've been living this way for a while" she observed. Huh? "Well your journey wasn't planned out in detail." Yes, of course. "You move along with your guidance," she finished. Yes, so true. And so insightful.

I posed this question: "Was it up to us to continually explain our philosophy and journey to others, or just live by example?" Thoughtfully she shared she didn't know the answer to that, but had a recurring thought when she spoke to us - something she read from Ken Wilbur - where it is our responsibility to keep doing what we were doing, and continue to loop in our loved ones in our path. But to stay on it - and know that it was the only way. Again, so insightful.

I like having a responsibility. I like the idea of connecting with our families and the many communities around us - rather than striking off alone. Jeff and i both have shared that we couldn't have done this alone. More than ever we know how much we need to be tied in, present, in it - in whatever form that takes as we continue forward.

Being Home

I have much to update from the last 2 months of travel - even though we are back and can tell people in person now, I am quite a stickler for completeness!

But first things first - an update on being back. Back in the United States after an eight month journey outside. We flew directly from Delhi into Los Angeles on December 30th - celebrated New Years with my sister and her husband, spent time in the New Year with Mummy and Papa - then packed up my Mini Cooper Tidka and drove to Denver. Our final destination - well at least for the next few months.

Denver is so familiar! The streets, the smells, the people. The way of life. Our yoga practices. Friends! Jeff's mom and sister who live here. The house Jeff grew up in, where we are occupying the basement for the short term. Our surroundings are comfortable, safe, and warm - it all fits in a certain way.

So why do I feel lost, and a feeling of loss?

Well, there is some loss of independence. We are adjusting to living with family. We also really have to scrimp and save since the cost of living is different from our life in Asia.

It could be this.

There are the changes in friendships and dynamics from being gone so long. A lot has subtly changed - changes my sensitive nature cannot help to pick up on. I don't want to analyze or make stories - it is what it is - it is somewhat expected.

It could be this.

There is a change in the openness. During the last legs of our travels we experienced skybound openness. The family in Delhi unabashedly embracing my boyfriend. My family relaying my travel stories with parental affection. My brother laughingly referring to me as a gypsy. My sister and brother-in-law continuing to find a connection to our journey. My mother giving a lovely speech at Jeff's birthday dinner- with the gist being that she and Papa were proud of how we carried ourselves during the journey - living within our budget, not complaining, enjoying. "If you can travel like that you can do anything you set your mind to."

It was a high. A recognition to what Jeff and I have dedicated ourselves to. This recognition wasn't given easily - but having it felt as if life had never been without it. Had we crossed some sort of frontier? Would this openness and recognition and acceptance naturally flow from everyone now?

Well, no. For us, the journey is continuing, everyday, no matter where we are. For others, the journey has ended, and it is time to settle down and be responsible citizens and family members. The bubble seems to have burst.

It could be this.

Family and Sun in Thailand

We had two very unique experiences in Thailand - spending time with family and getting away to a secluded island! The time with Surbhi and Pervez was primarily in Bangkok, where we had much fun trying stall food, taking a cooking class, ordering room service, having movie nights, and checking out the hotel bars. The 2 weeks zipped by, and I still feel the warm and fuzzies from their days here.

Once S&P left there was nothing to do in Bangkok, and we thought some beach time was called for before heading to colder climates. The 'closest' quiet place was an island called Ko Payam - which took a 6- to 8- hour train ride, 2 hour minibus, and 2 hour ferry. Was so worth it! We had the cove practically to ourselves with beautiful clear water. There was also a very high and low tide - the low tide receding far far away, so that we could walk out for 15 mintues on the ocean floor and only reach ankle-deep water. The bungalows we stayed at, Vijit's, had its own kitchen so we were able to truly just relax.

Maggie pie

Our family babs Maggie got sick 2 weeks ago - when she was taken to the vet it was found that she had cancer that wasn't curable. My family made the very brave decision to end her life peacefully and not cause any more suffering, since she was continuing to have internal bleeding.

It was so hard to be far away when this was happening! Hearing Mummy's crying, Papa's small voice, Pir's heaviness. Yet I am grateful for everyone keeping us in the loop - from Noreen's early morning call with the news that Maggie was sick, then Surbhi's text about the vet visit, followed by phone conversations with Mummy and Papa, and then emails with Mitsuko-san and Saurabh.

I also feel grateful that I was able to recognize Maggies capacity for love before leaving. I had really never given her the time of day, and was quite scolded by the Gima's about this insensitivity. So I tried to befriend her the 2 weeks I was home, and was quite surprised that no, she didn't hate me, and actually was quite fun to pet and cuddle with. And there was recognition there by the end, as we both came to look forward to the afternoon belly rubs in the setting sunlight. 

I know Maggie had a very happy life, and is in a good place now...yet I will miss seeing her when we go back home.

This is a picture we took before leaving of Maggie playing with a ball that Mitsuko-san had sent. Beautiful Maggie!

For Fun

This is a fun video Jeff and I captured of a monkey family's Sunday afternoon shenanigans. So cute!

Synergy

Jeff and I have often been questioned about this journey in terms of its impact, results, and future promises. Sometimes these inquiries cause us to visibly squirm [the answers being difficult to quickly elaborate on], causing our questioners to hurriedly change topics.

Surbhi and Pervez, who spent 2 weeks in Thailand with us, are the first people who continued to probe, even into dangerous zones of discomfort, in a well-intentioned effort to deeply understand that which was equally admirable and baffling to them. A particularly intense discussion, primarily between Pervez and I, occurred one balmy evening on a patio overlooking Pattaya Beach.

Jeff and I had just expressed our respect for all that S&P had accomplished in their careers, their generosity with the fruits of their labor, and the positive impact their energy had on us at a time when we are setting intentions around our own livelihoods.

These musings naturally led to the very popular question: "What are you going to do when you go back?" Both S&P remembered a conversation on the onset of this journey where Jeff and I had voiced desired to build livelihoods around yoga.

[The following dialog between Pervez and I is paraphrased, unless denoted by quotation marks. I have also added some quotes from friends that weren't used, but are very appropriate in the re-telling.]

Q: Was this still true? asked Pervez.

A: It isn't still true. "The practice of yoga is my freedom!!" I had described what yoga means to my friend Elizabeth in August - here is a snippet: "Yoga practice invites stillness and peace inside, allowing an opening for my inner guide to shine through. An inner guide that has always been a part of me.  An inner guide that is illuminating the path away from how I should be living my life to how I am meant to live my life. Away from the rules of society and towards the rules of the heart. The Ultimate Liberation."

My attempts to create a career around yoga in Denver felt more stressful than fulfilling. I do want to keep teaching yoga, yes, but will find another means for livelihood.

Q: What will that be? Will you return to the career you had studied for?

A: I really do not want to go back to that career. Being away from it for so long has been good! I think I'll get into a rut by just falling back on it. I would rather continue to stay open to what lies ahead.

Q: This sounds a bit whimsical. Don't you need to will something to happen. How will you find something with this seemingly passive approach?

A: There is a conflict between willing an event to occur and remaining open to what actually does occur, I feel it a lot!! I want to continue to listen to my inner guidance, I think an opening will be created. I am confident that I can then pursue that opening with the same gusto that fuels my other passions (including this journey!).

Q: Wouldn't it be easier to just go back to what you were doing? Otherwise you will have to develop another set of skills.

A: I know, starting over is a bit rough. But going back to the previous work is in conflict with my guiding philosophy 'do what you love'. As my friend Brian, who posted this quote on Jeff's blog, reminds us: "If you follow your bliss, you put yourself on the kind track that has been there all the while waiting for you, and the life that you ought to be living is the one you are living. Wherever you are--if you are following your bliss, you are enjoying that refreshment, that life within you, all the time." Joseph Campbell.

To continue to follow bliss will keep this journey going, which doesn't have to end upon returning home.

Q: What will you do if you can't generate enough money for survival? [with genuine brotherly concern for my welfare]

A: I have set my intentions... I believe that this will be heard so that I can keep doing what I love. I don't want to just sit around and wait for something to come knocking on my door. But I also don't want to jump into something out of fear. So - I just continue to seek inner quiet and guidance, rather than daily fretting. Continue to ask questions if I falter. Truly and deeply "trust the process" - one of Jeff's favorite phrases.

Q: What do you mean, set intentions?

A: [I don't think I gave a very good answer at the time, but want to share how my friend Sarah expressed the impact of intentions: "the moment you send your need out to the universe, the universe is on it, meaning that there's no reason to hold on to that yearning, just to offer it and the divine will make it manifest."]

...

This dialog continued, with the same interest and compassion. When the evening ended, we all parted on good terms, though everyone seemed a bit hazy on all that had been shared, and I wasn't sure if my answers had made sense or were fully satisfying.

At the end of S&Ps stays, during which we maintained our independent pursuits during the day and enjoyed each others company in the evenings, Pervez excitedly shared a synopsis of a movie he had watched earlier. It was about a couple who had given up everything to live on an island for 9 months, living off the land and sleeping in tents. "Just like you guys, leaving everything you knew in the US to do what you love!". Even though we have stayed in accommodations considerably plusher than tents and have had access to great food, the meaning was clear. :)

Thank you S&P for continuing to find that which connects all of us universally. We really enjoyed our synergy with you and very much miss you!

"All creativity comes from safety" - Abram Maslow

I am sitting at the edge of a terrace, sipping on a chai masala. The scene in front of me is quintessential Bali. Palm trees grace the blue skies. When clouds appear, they are soft, pillowy, and non-threatening. Rice paddies stretch to the little housing area beyond, delineated by a solid stone wall. The air carries a breeze that gently whispers "I am there for you to fall into, let me blow your worries and insecurities away". In the near distance, a gentle continuous hum of wildlife and birds reassure that there is a resonant vitality all around, even in places which can't be seen.

This wondrous land enlivens so much gratitude.

Gratitude for finding places on this journey that are deeply safe and nurturing, holding a space for creativity, vibrancy, and movement towards the North Star.

Gratitude to my family members who listen, laugh, and love unconditionally.

Gratitude for friends who send [and read] long intimate letters and continually believe.

Gratitude for all those who have shared a smile in friendship, in passing, in conversation, upon departure.

And... Gratitude for my travel partner/best friend/spiritual mate who finds and reaches for that part of me that has no fear, believes in limitless potential, and surrenders to True Love which is as endless and expansive as the Balinese skies.