The next opening came in Japan, which we visited shortly after Mangalore. We had an opportunity
to live in a new communal situation with a friend Jeff had made at
the Sivananda Ashram, Miyuki-san, a Nihon-gene (native Japanese) with a big
open heart. When she heard of our intended visit to Tokyo, she offered up her
space to stay in, warning us that it was small and we may be uncomfortable, but
were most welcome to share with her.
And a small space it was! True to Japanese style apartments,
there was a small kitchen, bathroom, and living area which served as dining
room, living room, office, and bedroom. We were as cozy as three bugs in a rug.
I expected to be a bit uncomfortable. Our bags were kept
closed and upright in the kitchen area. There wasn't a lot of privacy during
morning ablutions. We often were stepping over the other.
What I didn't expect was the ease and flow. We were given
keys to the apartment and came and went as we wished (public transportation
being quite easy in Tokyo). Meals were made and shared by whoever was inspired.
There were no obligations or guilt trips or constant comments about the space.
I remember a time I came home to find Miyuki and Jeff absorbed in
computer-work. I pulled up a big pillow and snuggled in a corner and took a
blissful nap. When I awakened and moved towards the center, Jeff took the
pillow and took his nap. Contentment prevailed.
So communal living could be different than what I had known - I could maintain independence and a sense of self. I didn't have to only be on my best behavior - very polite, alert, respectful, and
deferential. I could still do this, but as well just be me!
Moods were okay - a bit of tiredness allowed - spirited honest discussions
encouraged. In this way of true living, I was able to learn about Miyuki in a way that wouldn't have happened during simple 'visits' or dinners. And feel a deeper connection to my partner.
This experience flowed into other situations, with ongoing discoveries about self and dynamics and community. The ability to put this into words will be revealed as time progresses. However, to tie this story together, I’ll end with saying that by the time we ended our journey in New Delhi, I did have the tools to be with my extended family in an authentic way. It was true, they weren’t so conservative! Not only had my Mummy and Papa accepted Jeff into my life, my larger family was also putting full effort forth. They were more hip and modern than I had allowed space for.
And living with my parents and brother and Jeff in an apartment outside Delhi during this visit proved to be a mature and fluid experience. We spoke up when we needed some space or an early night, or when things weren’t quite working. I can still feel the warmth when I think about this time period. My brother and I refer to this period as "Bajaj Love" and still miss it being back.
With the daily living aspect of Delhi under control (and not clouding everything), I could explore other parts of my heritage. My identity. Why I was so drawn to my country of birth. That my relationship to India was bigger than the dynamics of my relations. I came to some sort of peace with this. The bitterness I had harbored after our first three months (May to July end) had dissolved, and the space was filled with love and some sense of belonging and hope. India is real, I am real, and our relationship is off to a fresh start.
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